Hoʻomanaʻo ʻana
by Toni Harrison
Summary: Memories are triggered by photos of times gone by. This is mainly Steve but with a tiny tiny bit of Danny, Kono and Chin at the end.


Hoʻomanaʻo ʻana (Memories)

Summary: Steve finds something which brings back memories from time gone by.

No spoilers as such – you just have to be aware of the McGarrett's and their back story.

I've taken some liberties and made some assumptions re ages etc. I'm also basing some of the early stuff on research taken in the present day from various websites. I'm sorry it's different to how it would have been then. Hope this doesn't offend. Thanks to Qweb for pointing out that John never called his boy Champ and to Sym64 for letting me know that in the USA you don't really need bottle openers. I really genuinely appreciate taking the time to let me know.

Disclaimers: Don't own them, never will.

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><p>He's surprised he's not found it before. After all he's been through this house so many times for all the reasons he wishes he could forget. Turns out perhaps he'd not been as thorough as he'd thought. Then again you wouldn't have expected to find something like this in amongst a heap of old recipe books.<p>

He was due to meet with his team over an hour ago and yet he's still here, holding it in his hands, he's doing a good job of not showing how much his hands are shaking. He hears his phone buzzing and knows he should answer it but his head is lost some place. Shaking himself, he stands up still holding it as though if he were to put it down it'd vanish forever, he heads to the kitchen and to the fridge, he reaches for the beer. He heads back into the living room, sets himself down, removes the bottle top and takes a deep breath.

He opens it.

**1980**

_'Stevie, come on, just one little smile for the camera honey' Amelia McGarrett urges her four year old son who instead of smiling at the camera is resolutely scowling at it. It's the first day of pre-school and in his four year old mind he can't understand the concept of being separated from his Mom and Dad for even a couple of days. They're in the family car and though she's running the risk of her son being late for school on his first day, she's determined to save the moment for posterity. She waves the toy bear in his face but he remains stone faced. She smiles to herself, definitely a chip off the old block. She turns to face the steering wheel for a moment looking at her son in the rear view mirror, she takes in the little uniform he's wearing and the doubts she'd had about him going to pre-school come flooding back. The arguments fresh in her mind. Sure she agreed that it was a good idea for him to go to pre-school but they're so close and she doesn't want to lose that bond. She bites back down the tears, shakes herself slightly and shouts out cheerfully 'Okay then Stevie, let's go' The wailing starts almost immediately as she lifts her boy out of the car. He clings to her legs as she tries to walk to the school gates. _

_'Amy' shouts a voice from behind her and she turns to face it recognising it immediately and grinning, Steve lets go of her legs for a moment as he recognises it too and dashes towards it as John McGarrett scoops him up laughing. 'You didn't think I'd not see my boy go to pre-school for the first time did ya?' Setting his son down, he turns to his wife. 'Giving you a little trouble huh?'_

_She nods. 'Oh yeah'._

_John McGarrett stoops to the same height as Steve and holds his chin gently in his right hand. 'Your grandpa Steven hated pre-school too, hell I hated pre-school too, but only the thought of it, and you know what got us through'. Steve is transfixed by his father's words. 'Coming home to your mommy and daddy and having some apple and cinnamon pie, now go be a brave little boy okay?'. Steve's eyes have narrowed slightly as if he's considering whether to be convinced or not. The answer comes swiftly as he throws his arms back round his father's neck and lifts his hand in a small salute. He blinks slightly as the flash goes off and he and his father turn and laugh in unison at his mother as he puts the camera down._

The memories being so fresh from so long ago take Steve almost unawares. He takes a drink from the bottle of beer and turns the page over.

**1982**

_He's only 6 years old but he's acutely aware that something has changed. His mom and dad paying him even more attention than usual over the the last few months was the first clue then his mom and then later his dad then the two of them together sitting him down and explaining that soon he would no longer be the baby of the family but that it would be time for him to be the grown up boy they know he is, that was the give-away. _

_He's been playing with his action man for the last hour while Marina his babysitter busily tidies up around him. His dad left the house just a few minutes before having spent the previous hour nervously running around getting a bag ready and preparing the back seat of the car. _

_He sets his action man down as he hears the sound of the car engine and runs to the door. Marina's not far behind him as he reaches up and just manages to open it. His dad gets out of the car first and runs around to the back seat where he sees his mom, she's carrying something and she looks tired but she's probably the most beautiful princess Steve has ever known or seen. He stands nervously and uncharacteristically chewing the nails on the fingers of his left hand as his mom calls his name. As she gets closer he's a little confused as his mom appears to be carrying one of those Cabbage Patch Dolls that Layla in his class at school has. _

_Then there's a small sound, a gurgling type of sound and he's not aware that his mouth is wide open in awe of this live doll. _

_Five minutes later and his mom is settled onto the sofa with his dad next to her. He's stood a few feet away, still chewing his nails but fascinated by the thing his mom is carrying. _

_'Come on baby, don't be afraid, say hello to your little sister' His mom says gently. _

_He takes a nervous step forward before his father stands up and crosses to him picking him up and setting him down on the couch between him and his mom. And now he can see the doll and she's amazing. Tiny flecks of blonde hair and a pink face with rosy cheeks. He stares in awe at her._

_'You wanna hold her, son?' His dad this time and he's never likely to turn down anything his dad offers so he nods obediently. _

_His mom passes the doll to Steve and tells him how to hold his arms and to join them together. He's surprised how heavy the doll is and looks in wonder from his mom then to his dad and then to his baby sister as she sleeps in his arms. He faintly hears his mom in the background calling for Marina and he hears Marina shout 'Cheese' and then the big light blinds him once again._

Only the sound of the vibrating phone breaks him from his reverie and the memories that are flooding back now. He glances at the phone which now reads as 6 missed calls - Danno. He sighs slightly, glances at his watch and makes a decision. He turns the page.

**1987**

_He takes a deep breath and stretches his arms before shaking them out, he bends over and grabs hold of the bar in front of him. Tensing before letting out a breath. He can hear noise and lots of it in the background but it's all peripheral as he awaits the sound. It's sharp and loud when it comes and with it comes an explosion of action from him and all around him. _

_He moves swiftly and cleanly through the water, strokes moving ever more fast and still he focuses fully on what he's doing, taking no notice of all those around him. His lungs are burning with the effort but he's not got far to go. He knows he's faster than everyone else round him, he knew that really from the start but it's only now that he allows him the luxury of a brief look around him and he finally opens his ears to the sounds around him as he nears the edge of the pool and as he touches it he hears a triumphant cheer from the corner of the swim stadium that's occupied by his school. He smiles to himself and turns round raising his fist to the air. _

_He raises himself out the pool and is greeted with hugs and handshakes of congratulation by his fellow swimmers before there's a cry of 'Stevie!' as his 5 year old sister barrels into him almost knocking him over. His mom is following closely behind and beaming 'I'm so proud of you sweetheart' she says. He looks behind her expectantly and she shakes her head before enveloping him in a hug trying to squeeze away the disappointment from her eldest child. Mary- Ann tugs at her mom's coat and Steve lifts her up so she can join in the hug properly. Soon they're surrounded by photographers and the flash bulb once again nearly blinds him._

He's not sure how to identify the feelings he's experiencing right now. This has been so unexpected he has to look around him to remember where he is and that he's not in some kind of twilight zone third dimension type thing. He feels comforted by the memories but at the same time nervous of what he might find. The male McGarrett inherent suspicious gene perhaps. That's what Danny would call it anyway. He smiles at the thought of his partner, perhaps he should hurry with the reminiscing.

**1990**

_They've been running now for several minutes and though he can run forever, he knows full well that his 9 year old sister can't. The camera swings from side to side around his neck buffeting his chest in the wind but they have to keep running. They promised they would. He can hear his sister panting and making tearful little sounds and truth is he feels like doing the same. _

_Mary Ann stumbles suddenly and starts to cry. He rushes back towards her trying to quieten her down. Her knee is bleeding and knowing she won't be able to run much more, he lifts her up and urges her to jump onto his back. She does and flings her arms round his neck gripping tight and he starts to run again._

_He runs a few hundred yards more before he slows to a walk, crouching down he turns back to look at the house. There's no sound but then again there wasn't before. He looks at the tree next to him and reaches for the rope ladder which is hidden behind the lowest overhanging branch. He lifts Mary Ann up first into the den before following her. It's the early hours of the morning and he notices the chill in the air. He's grateful his dad told him that the best dens had comfort as well as toys and wraps the blanket round his sister and himself and they wait._

_It's about an hour later when the sound comes. Steve doesn't move initially but the whistle comes again and so he gently removes himself from his sleeping sister and realising the only thing he has that approximates a weapon is the camera he throws the ladder down again and hears a soft 'It's okay now son, you can come back'._

_He heads back into the den and lying there asleep clutching a teddy he didn't know what is in the den, he takes the photo of his sister realising somewhere within himself that the time of innocence may be fast approaching it's end. Despite it being him taking the photo, the flash blinds him temporarily._

He's mildly surprised by the presence of this photograph in the album. The memories it brings back are unwelcome. With hindsight, they were early signs of the threats to come, at the time it just felt like a bit of excitement he could garnish and excite his buddies at school with on the Monday.

He's well aware of what's likely to come and he hesitates before he turns the page. Glancing at his phone, there's no sign of any more missed calls and so instead he reaches forward for the beer, taking a sip he then takes a deep breath and turns over.

**1991**

_'Steven honey, it's time to get up' his mom gently taps his bedroom door before opening it slightly. 'Mele Kalikimaka' she says brightly._

_He groans and mutters the same back to his mom. Definitely a bad move to spend Christmas Eve on the beach with his buddies and Sara. The local beer had certainly left an impression on him. He looks over to the side of his bed and the clock which reads 10.33am._

_There's a thumping noise he recognises only too well as Mary Ann flies up the stairs and marches through Steve's door and jumps onto his bed and shouts out loudly 'CHRISTMAS!' She belly flops on top of him and really she needs to start to realise she's not a five year old who weighs practically nothing any more. _

_He thinks this at the same time that his body becomes aware that her belly flopping onto his belly is the last thing his fragile constitution needs right now and he belches loudly as she giggles and shouts 'so gross, brah' and it's all he can do to avoid vomiting on her as he stumbles from his room and just about makes it to the bathroom. _

_He emerges a few minutes later. Having brushed his teeth, showered and drunken 6 glasses of water he feels at least like he can get through today. He heads downstairs and his mom and sister are in the kitchen, he moves quietly into the study but he's not there. He looks towards the coat stand and his coat's not there either. The final confirmation comes as he looks at the dinner table, there are just three place settings. _

_He walks to the window looking out at the sea and wonders where it all went wrong. The childhood that he'd been enjoying was fast coming to an end and really why was he surprised. He was after all almost 16. He shakes himself mentally, fixes on a grin and shouts 'Right, where do I start with the turkey slicing then huh?'_

_A couple of hours later and Mary Ann and Steve are busily tidying away all the leftovers making sure that at least a little something is left for their dad should he come back that night. As they finish up, Mary Ann heads to the living room, jumps on the sofa and picks up the phone no doubt preparing for another riveting instalment of chatter with her friends. There's no immediate sign of his mom but he's not desperate to follow in his father's footsteps for no reason and he finds her in the study glancing through some pictures. Just as he enters the room, he hears her sniff and he almost turns back. He pushes himself in and the floorboard creaks just as he enters. He catches a glimpse of his mom wiping her eyes quickly and fixing a smile. _

_'Hey baby, what you doing?' She stands up and moves across to her son smoothing his hair just as she used to when he was a toddler. _

_'I wanted to make sure you were okay' he replies. He goes to speak again but hesitates, the words leave his mouth before he expected them to 'I'm worried about you and dad'. _

_He doesn't miss the indecision in his mother's expression, the conflict of emotions in whether to say anything or not. He realises he's disappointed when she speaks again and it's a response full of denial of anything being wrong and he knows it's lies but there's not a thing he can do about it._

_'It's fine Steve, dad's got this case and it's reaching a conclusion but it's messy and it takes up time, we'll be a family again soon I promise'. She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. 'Hey, we need to take the McGarrett Christmas family photo, we can take another when dad's home'. She grabs his left hand and pulls him into the living room where she tells Mary Ann to put the phone down, sets the auto timer and the flash blinds them all._

It's a good job thinks Steve that no one can see him now as he touches the photograph in front of him, willing his Mom to somehow come alive at his touch. The picture looks faded and old even though it's not yet 20 years since it was taken. There were no other photographs taken that Christmas as his father didn't come home till the 29th December and even then it was only for a change of clothes.

Steve turns over the page expecting no more pictures to appear and there are none that are glued there, however a handful of photographs fall out onto the floor and he picks one up.

**1992**

_'But dad, we need to stick together, it's what Mom would've wanted' Steve pleads but he knows its in vain. His Dad seems determined to break the family up for good. _

_Mary Ann is sobbing on the sofa surrounding by suitcases clutching onto the teddy bear mom and dad had given to her as a baby. When Steve thinks about it, it's rare that his sister isn't crying these days. He tries one last tack._

_'If not for me, for Mary Ann?' he grasps his father's hand and pulls him around to face him. He's almost as tall as his father now and thanks to football he's every bit as strong. _

_There are tears in his father's eyes. Come to think of it as with Mary Ann, it's rare he ever sees his father without tears in his eyes these days. His father shakes his head as Steve knew he would._

_'I'm sorry Steve, I need to work hard here and I can't be the father you both need with the job I have, your Mom would understand'._

_'Mom wouldn't understand at all, Dad, you're breaking this family up and for what, to ensure that you can carry on with your job so you can pretend we never existed, so you can carry on as normal' he spits out the words knowing their capacity to wound but he can't stop himself, the hurt is pouring out of him._

_'Please Steve, please understand'. His father begs him touching his face gently._

_'Daddy, Stevie, please stop fighting'. The plaintive cry from his sister stills Steve who jerks from his father's touch and goes to his sister. They hug and she continues to cry._

_The cab arrives 5 minutes later and the three remaining members of the family file in quietly lost deep in their own thoughts._

_Steve excuses himself as soon as they arrive and heads into the toilet and he breaks. And he cries and he looks at himself in the mirror and come to think of it, whenever he looks at himself in the mirror he only ever sees unshed tears in his eyes._

_He heads back out, nods at his father, hugs his sister, picks up their bags and doesn't look back. He hears the click of the camera but doesn't see the flash as he disappears from view._

Its surprising and yet its not that his father took that photograph. It's a study in a family splitting up and he stares at it for so long that he feels almost like he's back there. He picks up the other photographs on the floor and there's a mixture of pictures of him playing football, not just from the magazines but live in the flesh which pretty much corroborates everything Chin said and there's pictures of Mary Ann at her Prom Night in LA and then there's a picture of Steve at his passing out parade and then they run out and there's no more pictures to look through and he feels a sense of loss suddenly so keen that he wishes he could turn back the clock a couple of hours so he could relive the memories fresh again over and over.

He goes to take a sip from the bottle and is surprised that it's empty. It's only then he hears muttering outside and footsteps and he reaches for the gun in the end table. He's not sure who he expects when he hears the key in the door but he has the gun out ready.

'Hands up where I can see 'em' he shouts and immediately lowers it when he hears the voice.

'For the love of god Steven McGarrett, have you ever heard of the term 'answering your phone'.' He puts the gun onto the sofa and smiles as Danny is followed in by Chin and Kono.

'We decided that if the mountain won't come to Mohammed, we'll go to the mountain'.

Steve says nothing. Just smiles sadly at them all.

Kono moves closer 'What's up boss? You seem sad'.

Steve's running the thoughts through his head and looks at his team and he nods to himself, they've earned this right. He gestures at the photo album on the table. 'Take a look' he offers 'I'll be back in a minute'.

In reality he's gone for several minutes. He can hear them talking softly, laughing a couple of times but as he walks back into the room they're quiet.

'Okay, you make me nervous Danno when you're quiet' he has a camera round his neck. 'I figured less of the pity party, time to make some new memories' he gestures towards the camera. 'If it even works then let's get started'.

His 3 closest friends grin at him he gestures for them to bunch up on the sofa to make room for him, he sets the timer and sits down and just as he's about to say 'Cheese' Danny brandishes the photo of him in his trunks in 1987 and exclaims 'No wonder you have a permanent aneurysm face with trunks like that' and they laugh just as the flash blinds them all.

This story was triggered from looking at a photo album of my own and remembering absent friends including one very close friend who this year was lost. Anyway, Happy New Year to you all. I'll be back soon.


End file.
